"I had no idea..."

Today is my dear first-born daughter’s 3^rd birthday.  I’m in a bit of a daze.  It’s hard for me to fathom that we’ve had her for a whole 3 years and how much she’s grown and changed in that time.  It’s also hard to believe that she wasn’t here before that and I had no idea what it would feel like to become a mom and love a little person so fiercely the moment she appeared.  I’m not sure when it will all seem real and “normal” to me.  I still find it all pretty hard to take in. 

Last night was a night I’ll remember for awhile.  I was busy making preparations for Myla’s birthday.  I had planned on hiding most of the decorations from Myla until she woke up this morning.  1.5 hours after she went to bed, Myla woke up inconsolable and neither I nor her dad could calm her down.  So, we did the dreaded and let her watch a show on TV while her dad and I continued busy birthday preparations upstairs.  We made Myla promise that she would go to bed happily after she watched the Franklin episode.  She broke that promise.  Making her go back to bed after that half hour (where she was in all her glory) was like reliving the soother-removal days.  At one point I was thinking – Jeepers, this little birthday girl is driving me NUTS!!

Then, after finally getting Myla back in bed and quiet, and after finalizing the birthday decorations, a pretty intense storm rolled in.  Myla woke up scared and her and I made the trek to the spare room downstairs where we cuddled and nuzzled and listened to the thunder roll.  As I snuggled my big-little 3-year-old tight at 1:45 in the am, I was reflecting on the fact that 3 years earlier I was in the throes of labour still unknowing, still imagining, still in the dark about who the little person would be and what life as a mom would be like.  I few tears squeaked out for how overwhelming it was to look back and then see and feel my fast-growing girl in my arms.  I couldn’t help but think:  I had no idea it would be like this....

I had no idea how much I could love a little person and how annoyed I could feel at the same time.  I had no idea how much joy I would feel when I glimpsed her first smiles, her first steps, her first pee on the potty.  I also had no idea how much it would hurt to see my girl hurt, or how much dread I would feel at the thought of what could possibly hurt her in the future.

Last night I couldn’t help but draw similarities from the thunderstorm to how it feels to be a mom and how I feel about life and about God.  I thought about how the thunderstorm was both beautiful and haunting, how it was both shocking and continuous, how it felt familiar yet unpredictable.

I have never loved being anything more than “mom” to Myla and Shayley.  I have also never known something could hold so much power on my heartstrings.  I feel like I still have much to learn and yet I feel so overwhelmed with what I’ve learned already.  I feel like the future is daunting and unknown but I trust all the same that both I and my girls, and our little family as a whole, will find a way to stumble through it all and find beauty and joy amidst the thunder.

A Bible verse comes to mind:  “Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face.  Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” (1 Corinthians 13:12)  If I couldn’t fathom how incredible and overwhelming being a mom would be, how much more am I unable to fathom how incredible heaven will be?

It makes me think God planted all of this here with so much more intent than I realize.  Maybe He gave us the gifts of parenthood, aunty-/uncle-hood, friendship, and love to help us grasp how deep and wide His love is for us.  Maybe He gave us joys and triumphs in life as preview of how incredible eternity with Him will be.  And maybe He allows hardships and pain in this broken life and to prevent us from being too self-reliant, to challenge us to ask the Big questions, and to encourage us to never stop striving to better ourselves and seek goodness, faith, and His face through it all.

Having this little 3 year old in my life and being a mom has made me stop in my tracks countless times.  I think:  “I had no idea it could be this wonderful, challenging, inspiring, joyful.....” the list of adjectives is endless.

And maybe how I feel today about the love I have for Myla (and Shayley) is just a little taste of how it will feel to stand at the gates of Heaven one day, to see Jesus face to face, and to reunite with the people I have loved and lost.  

And maybe I’ll stop in my tracks once again and think:  “I had no idea.”